Hiking Hàushān China’s Sacred Mountain: Taking the Train to Shaanxi Province Part. 2

This is part. 2. If you’d like to start at the beginning follow this link here.

No Joke, China is Crowded

There are things that I experienced in China that I will never experience anywhere else, except perhaps India, and much of this has to do with the sheer numbers of people. At every event, walk, exploration, eating and imbibing, every experience beyond the doors of your home or your work is shaped by the size of the crowd.

Americans have no idea how much space we have. We do not really know crowded. When I had moved to South Korea, other Americans would complain to me about how crowded it was in Seoul. I would think to myself, “sure its crowded“, but it isn’t China crowded. Of course, a place in America can be crowded, or the roads can be busy, and one may think that there are too many people, but imagine never getting away from the crowd. Every public space is a music festival without the music or the celebrity. I’d never experienced anything like China before or since ( I’ve never been to India) and time has faded much of my daily memories, but when I think back on my time there, I mean really think back, I can remember that I had experienced culture shock.

It was too much. Too many lights, too much pollution, too many cars, too much sound, too many people. Sometimes, I didn’t want to go outside even though I needed food. It felt otherworldly at times. As much as Chinese people would look at me as being an outsider and perhaps think I was odd in how I went about my life, I sometimes looked at them like they were mad. I would witness things that seemed beyond my comprehension. Like a man on an e-bike stacked with bricks driving against one way traffic, or fifty-plus people all scrambling to get onto a bus that was still moving. I would argue that much of the “madness” which was only my perception, was due to overcrowding. However, near the end of my time in China, my culture shock had turned into a phrase; “only in China.”

A photograph of Erqi Tower in Erqi Square in Zhenzhou, China.
Erqi Tower in Erqi Square, Zhengzhou, Henan, China.

Erqi Square

The night before the hike, Sho Boa and Xiang Kai met me at my apartment around 10:30 p.m., and from there we caught a bus to the central train station in Zhengzhou. We arrived near Erqi Square (pronounced Archie) around 11:00 p.m. Our train was scheduled to leave at 1:00 am, so we used the time before departure to shop for snacks for the trip and the hike.

Erqi Square buzzes with people all hours of the day and night. In the center of the square is Erqi Tower or Erqi Memorial Tower. Erqi means February 7th, and the square, district, and tower are all named after the Erqi (Feb. 7th) strike that occurred in 1923. The tower is two conjoined fourteen stories pentagon shaped towers that look like thin pagodas with a five pointed red star at the top. It stands out as the only building of Chinese architecture with sweeping eaves that curve up at the corners. At night the tower is lit up and competes with all the other lit up buildings. Zhengzhou is never dark at night. We wandered around the square posing in front of the tower and taking pictures in the light rain to memorialize our upcoming adventure. After taking photos we wandered into the station.

Two friends in China posing in front of Erqi Tower in Zhengzhou.
Xiang Kai and Sho Boa in front of Erqi Tower, Zhengzhou.

Zhengzhou Central Train Station

Zhengzhou’s Central train station is a national hub and considered the busiest station in China, which is saying a lot. To put it mildly, the place is crazy. The station is part of the Beijing-Guangzhou Railway and Longhai Railway, which means that if you are taking the train to anywhere in China, you will most likely transfer in Zhengzhou. The place is a nightmare, especially during the day. Aside from the overwhelming throngs of people pushing, shoving, and running through the station, and the difficulty of the language there’s the bathrooms. On this particular visit I was with two Chinese friends who took care of the language obstacles, and it was 1:00 p.m. when our train was to arrive, so the crowds were less in between arrival and departure times. However, the bathroom, I had to contend with on my own. It’s been nearly ten years since I have been there so chances are things have changed, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the bathroom was the same.

The Bathroom

China (at the time) still uses pit toilets and squat toilets. There are places with sitting toilets, but many, many places use squat toilets. This in and of itself isn’t too much of an issue. You can get used to it, but the toilets in the train station were something else. The station has what is called long-drop toilets, and they are communal troughs meaning no doors. They did have dividing walls, so I didn’t have to squat right next to a person, but there were no doors, so there was no privacy.

To use the toilet I had to stand with my feet on either side of the trough as a river of piss and shit flowed under me toward what I assumed to be an exit into a sewer system. I absolutely hated using this bathroom, not only because it was dirty, and I was never good at squatting, but the lack of privacy was my biggest issue. Since I was a foreigner in China, I experienced a lot of staring and this did not stop when I was using the toilet. There were times I felt like I was an animal in a zoo, and my experience in the Zhengzhou station was one of those times.

Not every person that walked by would stare, but the few that did would strain to look at how I actually peed, as if they were wondering if I had the same parts as them. It may have been only two women that did this to me as they walked by, but one was enough. Why would the bathrooms be like this? My guess is that it is easier to clean. Bring in some power washers and spray the whole place down. But when squatting over a trough, trying to keep balance without touching the dividing walls and straining to hold my knees together so that a stranger walking by can’t stare at my vagina as I peed was just the beginning of this trip. A trip that I thought was going to be a spiritual grief healing experience.

A bag of Chinese snacks on a chair in the Zhengzhou train station.
Snacks for the hike.

Differences in Thought Process

At the mini market Sho Boa picked up some dried noodles, chicken feet, and some hardboiled eggs. We also grabbed some instant porridge and instant coffee along with some water. I wanted some trail mix but wasn’t able to find any. I was concerned that the food we had wasn’t going to be enough sustenance for such a huge hike, but Sho Boa insisted that this was what him and his college friends ate when going on hikes.

“In China this is what we bring to eat on a hike.” He said.

I had to take him at his word. We argued a lot in the store as to what would be the best to eat, but I acquiesced telling myself I was having a Chinese experience and I needed to embrace it. Although my gut was telling me this food was not going to be enough to fuel me. It isn’t always easy to have an authentic experience of a culture that is new and foreign to you, no matter how easy it looks in the movies. So, Chicken feet it was.

The Cheapest Train

As I had said before: Every event, walk, exploration, eating and imbibing, every experience beyond the doors of your home or your work is shaped by the size of the crowd. Every national monument, museum, park, train, pilgrimage, and hike is shaped by the size of the crowd. Money will buy you space, but you need a lot of money, and we didn’t have a lot of money, especially Sho Boa.

Since Sho Boa didn’t have a lot of money he insisted that we take the cheapest slowest train. Xiang Kai and I were teachers, and we had a livable salary, but Sho Boa worked as an office assistant; a runner. The bosses were always telling him to run and get this, run and get that, run and go there, run and go here, and they did not pay him well. I could understand that lack of money would prompt him to choose the cheapest train. However, I suspected that even if he had money, he would still have insisted we take the cheapest train.

What makes the cheapest train cheap are its number of stops and rate of speed. At the time, I was clueless about exactly how slow a slow train was. I knew it was an overnight train and that it would take 8 to 9 hours to get to Huàshān, but I was not aware that a faster train would get us there in 3 to 4 hours. I also was not aware of what the traveling conditions on the train would be like. The idea was to sleep on the train and then to start our hike in the morning. I was fine with an overnight train, but Sho Boa bought regular seats not sleeping compartments, again to save money.

The interior of the Zhengzhou train station after midnight.
Zhengzhou Central Station after midnight.

A Crowded Train

I did not sleep on the train for multiple reasons. Number one, the train was packed. On the cheap trains, once all the seats are sold, they continue to sell tickets, and the prices for standing are the same as the prices for seats. So there are people standing in the aisles for up to eight hours. People are crowded in the aisles leaning over the people in the seats all waiting for the moment when someone gets up so they can take the open seat. There is no space, and no fresh air, and if you do get up to use the bathroom you have to climb over people crumpled in the aisle way. When you return you have to argue with the person who took your seat to give you your seat back, which they will do, but they certainly don’t want to give it back, and I can understand why. They paid the exact same amount as you. People are constantly switching seats around every time someone leaves in the hopes that they can sit for a couple of minutes. When you are sitting you have people leaning against you or over you.

We were in a section of six seats. Two rows of three facing each other. Shawn and I were able to sit across from each other but Xiang Kai had to find a seat somewhere else on the train. I am bigger in size than your average Chinese woman, but I am also smaller in size and sometimes width of your average Chinese man. All the seats were occupied by men, sleeping men who were man spreading like cheerleaders doing the splits. These men took every inch of space available leaving me with very little room, and since I did not have the Chinese power of sleeping in impossible places, I was awake for the entire 8 to 9 hour train ride. I was the only foreigner and only white woman in the car, and quite possibly the train. In these situations I would often encounter staring and some people would sneak or blatantly take my photo, but at 1:00 in the morning on a crowded warm train, no one cared about me, other than the fact that I was sitting and my seat was valuable.

When we left Zhengzhou it was crowded with all the seats occupied and some people sleep-standing in the aisles. Once we reached Luoyang, it became more crowded and people were nearly sitting on top of each other. One man slept precariously balanced on the top of my seat and draped over me like a throw blanket.

At one point, a group in the section across from us, who all seemed to be traveling together, had people sitting on top of the backrest. They were laughing, and loudly playing a game, and watching programs on their phones at full volume. Sho Boa who was sitting across from me leaned forward.  Thumbing his hand in their direction he said, “Look at them. What do they think they are in? Their house?” He gave them a brief scowl and then quickly feel asleep. I watched him slumber with an envious anger and an incredible urge to kick him awake so he could suffer like I was suffering. Xiang Kai was in a separate car, but had mentioned he had managed to sleep.

Packaged chicken feet in a convenient store in China.
Packaged chicken feet.

Huanyin City, 7:00 a.m.

When we arrived in Huayin City at 7:00 in the morning, I had not slept one wink. Exhausted, I followed the two rested men to hike a mountain peak, that unknown to me at the time, was 7,000 ft.

We had boarded the train around 1:00 am and arrived around 8:30 a.m. We took a taxi from the Huayin station to the village at the base of the mountain, and finally began our hike around 9:00 a.m. We had three large bottles of water, some strange meat paste, a few bready bits of snack food, and a bag of spicy chicken feet.

I was hungry, exhausted, and irritable due to lack of sleep, but I was also very excited. I was about to hike Mt. Hua, China’s most dangerous mountain. Did I know it was considered the most dangerous mountain to hike? Kind of. Word to the wise from the foolish: Do your own research.

Check back for part 3.

Hiking China’s Sacred Mountain Hàushān: A Journey to Healing Grief, Part. 1

Huashan mountains viewed through the clouds.
Hiking above the clouds
It took us another eight hours of climbing vertical steps through damp vertical caves and along precarious edges of steep cliff sides. Sho Boa was our guide. He wanted to race to the top of the mountain, often criticizing Xiang Kai and me if we wanted to sit for a moment, or if we were moving too slowly. I was grateful to have Xiang Kai on my side. 

Sho Boa claimed he was the true hiker among us. He was climbing the mountain to defeat it. His desire to reach the peak and reach the bottom in the fastest time possible meant he was a conqueror. I’m not this person. I wanted to sit and reflect and bask in nature and observe the multitudes of people around me. I wanted to meditate and reflect. Mt. Hua was one of China's 5 sacred mountains. I wasn't from China, and when would I ever be back? I wanted to absorb it all in, but between the enormous crowds and Sho Boa's constant insistent pushing, hiking Hua Shan felt more like a military drill than a joyous hike. I didn’t know what was going on in Xiang Kai’s mind except that he wanted to stop and sit as much as I did. From time to time, Xiang Kai would shoot me look of irritation and disdain. "Ignore him," he’d say, "let’s sit, make him wait."

My Mother Died While I Was Teaching in China

It isn’t easy to lose a parent under any circumstance. Whether you lose them when you are young, or when they are very old. Whether you lose them to a long lingering illness or to a sudden accident. Each type of death results in the same thing. Your parent is dead and death is for the living to deal with. If I could have chosen how my mom died, I would have picked that she lived at least to her 80’s, and that she had a full joyful life, and that old age had finally decided that it was time for her to go. I would have sat beside her, holding her hand, telling her that I was going to be fine and that she could let go. That’s what I would have chosen. We don’t get to choose.

My mother was found dead on the floor of her bedroom. I wasn’t at her bedside. I was in China getting ready for my classes when I checked a Facebook message telling me to Skype a friend of hers: “that it was important”. Her life had been difficult and full of heartbreak, loss, grief, and addiction. Her greatest fear was to die alone and that is exactly how she died. The death certificate said it was a methamphetamine overdose. My only sliver of consolation regarding her death is that it may have been quick and painless. I hope she didn’t have a moment to know she was dying, so that she didn’t know she was alone at her death. We don’t get to choose. We get what we get.

A peek of a mountain top through the clouds from 1,000 meters up.
1,000 meters halfway point to the peak.

Invited to Hike Huashan

The Five Sacred Mountains

Located in Shaanxi Province, not too far from Xi’an (place of the terra cotta warriors), Huashan is the Western Mountain of the 5 sacred mountains of China. The five mountains are Taishan (泰山), the East mountain in the Shangdong province; Hengshan (衡山), the South mountain in the Hunan province; Hengshan (恒山), ( not a mistake it has the same name in pinyin, but is different in Chinese) the North mountain in the Shanxi province; Songshan (嵩山) the Center mountain in Henan province; and Huashan (華山) the West mountain in the Shaanxi province. During my first month in China, I went to Sōng Shān while visiting the Shaolin Temple, but at the time I was not aware of the mountain’s sacred significance.

There are many sacred mountains in China for example Buddhism has four of its own sacred mountains, and Taoism also has four of its own sacred mountains. All of these mountains have been places of pilgrimages throughout Chinese history, and are the subjects of many paintings and poems. The Five Sacred Mountains, also called The Five Great Mountains, have been connected to imperial pilgrimages performed by Chinese emperors. The mountains are connected to the Supreme God of Heaven and the Five Highest Deities. Which may explain many of the stunning temples and hermitages built on the side of Mt. Hua.

A view of the path on the western mountain of Huashan.
At 1,000 meters. If you look carefully you can see people walking on the blade of a mountain pass.

HuaShan

Huashan, Huà Shān, Hua Mountain, Mount Hua, and “number one steepest mountain under heaven”, however you say the name, it is all the same glorious mountain. Huà in Chinese means flower and shān means mountain, so the literal translation is flower mountain or 華山 flowery mountain. It is said to get its name from the five mountain peaks that look like a lotus flower.

Huashan was close enough to travel to in a day, but proximity does not equal facilely. Its reputation as one of the five sacred mountains is “China’s most dangerous”. It’s difficult to find exact numbers as to how many casualties and deaths may have occurred on Mount Hua, but after my own experience hiking it, I can assume that the number could be relatively high. Sho Boa said that you can’t find any numbers because the government doesn’t want the public to know the casualty rate because they don’t want to deter tourism. I don’t know if he meant city, provincial, or country government, but with the sketchy conditions, and population of inexperienced climbers (myself include), and the trash left behind, a little negative advertisement might be a good thing.

My Own Sacred Pilgrimage

As an outsider to China, it was easy to attach myself to the romantic connotations associated with ancient Chinese traditions. Taoist beliefs and Buddhist rites of passage have a mystic allure to a foreigner like myself. It was easy to imagine myself like the female version of Brad Pitt in Seven Years in Tibet or Bill Murray’s, Larry Darrell in The Razor’s Edge.

I envisioned myself reaching the peak of the mountain. In a moment of reverie sunlight breaks through the clouds or rises over the crest. I am filled with a sense of peace, gratitude, and a higher understanding of what life is about. Questions as to why we are here, and why I am here are answered. Then I feel a dawning acceptance of my mother’s death. I understand why she died like she did, and why I wasn’t able to save her. I know that death like life is beautiful.

Sadly, but not surprisingly, I did not reach this zenith of enlightenment. I was not awash in answers. I was achy and irritable. In fact, in retrospect, the entire journey from the city to the peak and back was farcical. I was more like John Goodman in the Big Lebowski than anything else, or The Dude maybe. Perhaps my journey was to feel exactly what I felt; achy, despondent, irritable, depressed, frightened, exhausted, in pain, befuddled, grieving, and longing for my mother to be alive. Of course, before the hike I didn’t know I was going to feel anyway other than joyful; and whatever enlightenment feels like.

A bright red prayer ribbon tied to budding blossoms on trees.
A wish for peace

The evening we were to leave, I poured some of my mom’s ashes (that I had brought with me from America) into a small box and put them in my backpack. If I made it to the peak then I would leave that little part of her there on that mountain top. It would be the closest I’d ever get to the stars. If I made it.

I read that it was a dangerous and steep hike. The highest mountain I’ve ever hiked. At least up to that point. I wasn’t sure which peak were were going to tackle, but Sho Boa insisted he had it all figured out, so I packed my bag, and waited for Sho Boa and Xiang Kai to meet me at my apartment. Our overnight train was at 1:00 a.m., but Sho Boa wanted us to get there around 11:00 p.m. so that we could pick up some snacks for the trip.

I had no idea what I was in for, but again, in retrospect, if I had a better idea of what was ahead of me, I would have taken a nap.

Continued…

Sharp mountains reach toward a gray sky. Bright green foliage grow around stones.
Base of Huashan

Transitions -This Title is Not for Your Algorithm

Sunrise behind the trees in East Machias, Maine.
East Machias Sunrise

Change is hard. They say. The great “THEY” say that it is even harder as you get older. When it comes to changing a physical location, you can say, I’m an expert at it. Only the physical move, though, everything else does seem to be getting harder.

In the past year my husband and I have moved from South Korea to Maine and then to Portland. It wasn’t that streamlined though. It went more like this: We moved from our place in Itaewon, Seoul in July of 2023, and spent two weeks driving around South Korea visiting places like Gyeongju, Namhae, and Incheon.

We had some confidence at this time. My husband had a job waiting for him in Maine, we had a savings, and I had my pension. The evidence of 7 years of teaching English in South Korea.

I am the reason we left South Korea. I had been ready to leave Korea since 2017. My first few months of teaching had been a bad experience with a bad company and a terrible school principle. The Korean staff was great, the other teachers were great, but the “boss” was terrible. A dishonest and manipulative person who treated her Korean staff far worse than the foreign staff. I heard she had finally been fired for embezzlement. It may have been a rumor how she was fired, but she was fired. However this was a few years after I had left. As a foreign teacher in South Korea you are housed which is part of the draw, but the type of housing you get has a lot to do with who employs you. My housing was abysmal, but I knew of people who had worse. I quit that job, breaking my contract within the first 90 days of my employment which was within my contract, but the “boss” requested I stay for at least 6 months claiming it was that difficult to find a replacement. I agreed, which I should not have done since later it stabbed me in the back. I wont go into the boring detail, but needless to say, I did not receive my final paycheck. Luckily, I did get the coveted Letter of Release allowing me to find work elsewhere. My next job and the job’s after were better, but I had a bitter taste in my mouth. Months before meeting Eun, I had already decided to leave Korea.

Seven Years Later

Things change. You meet people. You fall in love. You get married. You have a pandemic. Your parent gets sick. Your dog almost dies. Things happen.

Once things began to reach a base level once again, Eun and I decided to leave South Korea. Again, a lot of it was me. I never did pick up the language, and my chance of finding a job outside of teaching was low. I did manage to get a writing gig for about two months, but they stopped accepting contract writers. I was disappointed, but that is how it goes. I had hoped maybe to find another writing gig, but nothing so far has panned out. My idea was, “let’s go to Portland, OR. I have friends there.” Yet, Eun didn’t feel comfortable with that. He needed a job first. After all, that’s how normal people do it. Job first. Move second. I never worked that way. Move then figure it out. My way is more difficult and scarier.

He got the job in Maine. So we left Itaewon and did our road trip. Flew to Washington state on July 17. Spent two days in Seattle. Two weeks in Portland. Got a car loan. Bought a car using the loan and some of my pension money. We took a trip to California to see my dad. Then back up to Oregon to visit the gravesite of Sue and then we drove across the country passing through Idaho, Wyoming, Montana, Wyoming, South Dakota, Minnesota, Iowa, Illinois, Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania, New York, Vermont, New Hampshire, and finally Maine. We even stayed the night in some of those states.

For ten months we lived in a dorm with international students. We lived in downeast Maine in a rural little town named East Machias. Eun worked as a Health and Wellness teacher, a Freshman Basketball coach, and a dorm parent while I tried to reinvent myself. I took online courses through coursera trying to learn UX design. I went back to my novel that I wrote over 10 years ago, but never published. I looked for remote work online. No one wanted to hire me except online tutors. I had no transferable skills. I started teaching in 2013 as a means to travel, but it now identified me as a teacher with no other career potential. If I were younger would it be better? I don’t know. The nearest grocery store was always hiring, but it was 5 miles away. I didn’t have a license, Eun worked full time, and there was no public transportation. It took me 8 months to get my license due to logistics. I loved the beauty and nature of Maine, but I wanted to leave for a similar reason as to why I wanted to leave South Korea. I wanted opportunity to grow.

An arrow sign nailed to a tree.

Why is it that I couldn’t find some way to be creative while I had all that freedom and time?

Poor mentality. I wasn’t lazy. I worked daily. Keeping the apartment clean. Making every meal. Laundry- the daily duties. I was writing, drawing, learning, reading and attempting to educate myself in every way possible. I was also looking for remote jobs. I even restarted my YouTube channel (which has grown a bit) but I have a poor mentality. I was never fully able to just do art or learn or be committed to being creative because I wasn’t contributing financially. I never sent my work out (writing) because I never believed I could be paid as a writer. I could never be paid for anything creative. It wasn’t for me. I was not meant for that world.

I still suffer from this thinking. I assume I will die with this mentality. It is tough to unlearn.

10 Months Later

We left East Machias on June 18th, not even a full year since we left South Korea. We packed our life into the car once again only this time we had no savings, no jobs, no home, no prospects. Eun trusted me this time, but this time I felt unsure. Very unsure. Once again we drove across America. We passed through many of the same states minus Indiana, Illinois and Iowa, and we added Michigan and Wisconsin. We had less money and more time. You could say we were foolish. If things fail you can say, “you deserve it.” If we succeed you could say we were adventurous. It is all determined by the outcome even though it shouldn’t be.

Eun is a basketball player and a coach and he found an opportunity to grow as a player and a trainer, so we spent a week in Michigan so that he could participate in this program. While in Michigan a violent windstorm passed through and a large branch broke from a tree and flew into our car damaging the passenger side. I was distraught since we hadn’t even paid for the car yet. Eun, who is more positive, reminded me that we have insurance. Still, the cost of the program, the cost of staying a week in Michigan and now the cost of the car was weighing on me. If things fail it’s my fault. That’s what played through my mind. Still we continued to make what some people may call bad choices. We kept moving forward with our travels. Staying in South Dakota to visit the Badlands and Deadwood. You can watch our journey on Youtube if you are so inclined.

We moved forward with our plan to stay in Cody, Wyoming as we visited Yellowstone, and then stayed in Montana to see Yellowstone for a few more days. We lost money having to change places to stay. One we had to change because of floods that hit Minnesota and South Dakota. We had to cancel camping stays that were meant to save money because we finally accepted the fact that our dog can’t camp. We spent more money on airbnbs because our dog needs space away from strangers and other dogs. We continued on to stay in La Grande so I could once again visit the grave of my friend Sue and to see her sister whom I hadn’t seen since the funeral 16 years ago.

Portland, OR

At the moment of writing this we have been in America for 1 year and 1 week. We have been in Portland for nearly 3 weeks. We don’t have jobs. We don’t have much money. Our car is in the shop. We have a place to stay for about two more weeks, and Eun has two more paychecks before we have nothing. We are in debt, too. We began applying for jobs our first full day in Portland. The first week was silent. Then the second week rejection e-mails and automatic rejection responses came in. Then at the end of the second week, we began to get phone interviews. Eun had some in person interviews. Our emotions which are tied to our fears and anxieties ebb and flow like the ocean tides. We celebrate an interview, we try to shrug away the rejections, and we try to ignore the silence. Eun is applying for jobs as a teacher. He is moving forward with this career. Digging into his role as a P.E. teacher and a basketball coach. This next job is going to be the one for the next few years. We want it to be a good place. As for me, it is more difficult. I am trying to transition out of being a teacher. I want to work in an office with benefits. I want to create content. To be what the digital age calls “a creative.” But, it is difficult. I am having trouble breaking in and proving I can be worthy. The place I had volunteered for 7 years didn’t give me an interview after hanging onto my resume and communicating with me for a month, and I got rejected by Barnes & Nobles. Both, writing adjacent jobs.

Will this be a story of throw caution-to-the wind-adventure with a happy ending or will it be a cautionary tale? Only time will tell. Time will tell soon as the clock is ticking. As I line this final paragraph with cliches, I want to return to the introduction that change is hard. It is very difficult to change your career especially in a rapidly changing world. 10 years ago I worked in an office, I was an office administrator, but today I am no longer an ideal candidate. It is hard not to feel dejected when you have a poor mentality. This blog drips with pathos, but it is also held together with a tenacious web of hope and perseverance. I am making progress. Pages have been written. They may not fit the timeline of the meta masses but they fit my time line which is the duration of my life. So, we will see where this path takes me.

I haven’t forgotten part three of the Huashan hike it will be posted. One day. Till then enjoy these mushrooms. They are pretty, but not the kind to open your mind. You have to do that yourself. Advise to me from me. You can use it too if you want.

Four beautiful mushrooms growing in Maine.

An Uneven Homecoming: Reacclimating to America in a Maine Town

The Drive to East Machias

As we drove along the Maine coastline, passing all the quaint coastal towns with their Victorian homes and buildings, most of which were painted white, my excitement grew. Although I prefer more color in my communities, I imagined that we would be living in one of these little towns, perhaps a fishing village. During the interview, we were told that the school was near the ocean. However, there was a hint of reality, something we didn’t focus on or consider enough—the mention of a food desert. I think I had convinced myself that this bit of information meant that the school was not in a large town; maybe it was a village, similar to the villages we had passed on the way. It’s funny the things we tell ourselves. A food desert does not mean a quaint Victorian fishing village popular with tourists. It means scarcity.

At some point, a few miles past Rockland, we began to turn inland, away from the coastline and the old Colonial and Victorian houses. The road wound deeper into the woods, with birch trees lining the lone highway. Houses became few and far between, and after driving for another hour, we passed through the small town of Ellsworth. Despite its size, Ellsworth seemed to have all the essentials for a thriving community, yet it wasn’t our destination, so we kept driving.

As we meandered through the landscape, lakes shimmered beside us, reflecting the dappled sunlight. Each lake emerged like a glistening mirror, signaling coded messages through the trees. The subdued sunlight from the late-day sun cast shadows over the winding roads as we turned through sharp curves following many lakeside shorelines. What neither of us realized on our journey up Highway 1 was that we weren’t passing just lakes but inlets, estuaries, and coastal lagoons. DownEast Maine, where we were to settle for a year, is a series of glacial peninsulas stretching out like fingers reaching into the Atlantic. Occasionally, we would pass a lonely silent house, a solitary gas station reminiscent of an Edward Hopper painting, a tucked-away township with a church, and then, like a recurring motif, we would slip back into the woods, the warm fragrant pine filling the car with its scent. The rhythm of the journey slowly became predictable; after each glimpse of civilization, we’d dip back into the solitude of the woods, the quiet embrace of nature, and the hum of the car’s engine. My fantasies of a quaint seaside town with artisan shops and a tight-knit community began to fade, and I realized that I had dreamt of moving into a TV show, something like Schitt’s Creek. I had been daydreaming of a sitcom and not reality. However, reality was coming into clear view.

A single parrot green buiding sits on a four corner road. A cloud filled sky stretches out behind the building.

Upon entering Machias, we passed a weathered trailer park—a stark contrast to the captivating coastal imaginings—and I began to worry, not about safety, but about the economy. Was there enough affordable housing? What about jobs? Continuing our journey, sights unfolded before us: first a Dollar Store, followed by a Walgreens, a local grocery store, and the familiar golden arches of McDonald’s. Next, we passed a Family Dollar and other unassuming buildings nestled in a small parking center behind McDonald’s. As we continued over a hill, a dilapidated gun store with a large Trump 2024 flag came into view, followed by Machias University—a small beacon of education on a hill. However, Machias did not have the feel of a university town. Where were the restaurants, the cafes, the movie theater? We crossed a short concrete bridge built over a wide river with small falls, and then we drove through a downtown that was barely half a block, with two very cute buildings—one painted canary yellow and the other parrot green. To our left was a Federal-style bank, a church with a Gothic Revival steeple, and two gas stations. The hills to our right fanned out into the distance as the wide foamy river moved alongside us. To the left, we passed a Dunkin’ Donuts and a pizza place before slipping back into a sparse silence of space. Again, a house here, a small building there, until we were back into the woods with nothing but trees and warning signs about deer crossings. We drove on for another 30 minutes, the river remaining to our right and woods to our left, until we finally made it to the tiny town of East Machias. Not much of a town, really. It had some houses, a church with a graveyard behind it, a town hall, a post office, and a Salmon Federation Building. Some old colonial and craftsman houses lined the street where we were about to live, next to the school where Eun was to work.

A wide river with swirls of foam moves past a series of small house on lush green land.

When captured in a photograph, parts of the town appear charming, especially along the East Machias River that runs through the center. In late summer, when we first arrived, eagles and hawks soared low in the sky or perched atop Eastern White Pine trees. If life were a photograph, East Machias would be a picturesque village along a rapid river with wildlife, fresh air, and a private academy built in 1792 featuring Greek Revival and Victorian buildings (plus a modern-looking high school). However, a photo is just an image, and what isn’t captured is the high unemployment and lack of opportunities.

As we settled into East Machias, statistics revealed a stark reality. This tiny town of 1,364 people is nestled in Washington County which ranks as the poorest county in Maine. The unemployment rate of 4.6% is a shocking contrast to the 3.2% statewide average, casting shadows on our newfound surroundings. It adds an undercurrent of economic challenges that we did not foresee. There aren’t many services, and, as one woman told me, ‘people move out here to get away from everything, but what they find out is that they have moved away from everything.’ It can be challenging in the case of a disaster like a severe storm. ‘Help comes late,’ as another local told me, ‘it’s as if they forget about us out here.’ The main industry is education; the second is health, and the third is public service. The top job is the school where Eun works, and this private academy employs and educates students from many surrounding townships. For a person, like myself, trying to get out of the education sector, especially the for-profit education sector, I did not come to the right place. However, Eun has found some opportunity, and in fact, it is the opportunity for him to teach and coach basketball that brought us here. I, on the other hand, am one of the 4.6%. Although, not in a census. As far as returning to America and starting over, we may have chosen one of the worst spots for dual opportunity and growth. I see no American dream here, but then again, does that exist anywhere in the U.S.? It isn’t what we had expected or hoped for, but for now, we have a modest roof over our heads, food in our bellies, and a backdrop of uncertainty. We thought our road was paved, but it seems that we turned down a dirt road filled with obstructions. At least one of us is employed. Eun’s dedication and resilience contribute to maintaining our stability as we drive this rough road of financial bumps.

A weather burgandy farm house next to a small red barn style chicken coop. The sky is a vibrant blue with fluffy white clouds that contrast the bright green grass.

Returning to America after seven years has shown me that it is unexpectedly challenging to live here. In South Korea, the language barrier confined me to private education, and I sought to change this by returning to the U.S. Yet, in the U.S., the cost of living, along with lower benefits, and the exorbitantly high cost of health insurance, quietly undermined our expectations. It was foolish for us to think we would adapt with ease, even though we had considered the U.S. home. Still, I must have gratitude for the things I have in the present. It may be a mantra for the present, a protective shield masking an underlying fear of becoming trapped in ever-present poverty, but gratitude is necessary. We have housing, food, and internet, and for me, time has become a space for digital skill development—a journey into writing improvement, SEO, and content strategy growth. I find my own resilience and a renewed sense of purpose. This time will not be wasted.

A man in a red and white gingham checkered shirt and dark jeans is walking a dog down a gravel trail beside a wide river. A small white house is to his right, and lush thick Balsam Firs, Eastern White pine, and Red Pine trees line the river.

There is a trail below the school, the Sunrise Coast Trail, that traces the river’s edge. This trail serves as our retreat; nature unfolds its tapestry of birds and trees, with inspiring views of the tiny town of East Machias. The river flows into Machias Bay that opens into the Gulf of Maine, where the Battle of Machias, the first naval battle of the Revolutionary War, took place. Yet, even before 1777, the Passamaquoddy people fished along this river, maybe paddling birch canoes in the neighboring lakes or bay. We are surrounded by natural habitat and history. Habitat that we can see and a history hidden in the motions of the present. While we take walks along this trail, we can see eagles, hawks, ducks, and plump little chickadees. The river and the pines frame East Machias like a photograph; a scenic bridge, the square white Albee—Richardson Hall with its small bell tower, and the Gothic revival steeple from the church rising above the pine and birch. It is lovely to look at, like a postcard sent from a friend. It is a reminder of the beauty that graces us.

A church steeple points up high above snow covered trees and a frothy river.

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Travel to Suwon City and Hwaseong Fortress

Suwon is south of Seoul, South Korea. It is about 45 minutes to an hour away depending on your choice of travel. It is the capitol city of Gyeonggi-do (경기도) or Gyeonggi province. 도 (pronounced Doh) in this context means province. South Korea has 8 provinces, 6 metropolitan cities that act as their own entities, a self-governing province which is an island-Jeju-do (here 도 means both province and island) and special cities like Seoul and Sejong. Sejong is a special autonomous city in South Korea which I don’t really understand, but its meant to be a second capital, or something like that. I never had the chance to travel there while I had lived in South Korea.

It took me about 4 years to figure out that Seoul is surrounded by Gyeonggi-do. This is because I used to live in Suwon, which is south of Seoul. I assumed Seoul was north of Gyeonggi province. Then while living in Seoul we took a trip to see the 5 Royal Tombs in Goyang in Gyeonggi-do which is north of Seoul. Suwon is south of Seoul and Goyang is north, yet both Suwon and Goyang are in Gyeonggi-do. It was very confusing until I finally just looked at a map. Basically, if Seoul and Inchon weren’t considered special cities they’d be a part of Gyeonggi-do.

When I lived in Gwanggyo, a city within Suwon, within Gyeonggi-do, it took about 40 minutes to reach Gangnam via the subway. During the weekends, I would often travel to Seoul to explore, so it wasn’t until a year after we moved to Seoul that we finally made it to the Suwon Fortress also called Hwaseong Fortress (Brilliant Fortress), also called Suwon Hwaseong Fortress. Why so many names? It could be because there is a city in Gyeonggi-do that is right next to Suwon named Hwaseong, and both cities which used to be farmland have grown so much over the years, and where the fortress was originally built has gone through name changes. It’s confusing, but to clarify, Hwaseong Fortress is in Suwon city not Hwaseong city.

Our first stop was to look at a Hanok building at the Suwon Technology Exhibition hall and the Suwon Center for Traditional Culture. Eun had been taking some carpentry classes, and was interested in learning about the design and architecture behind these traditional Korean homes. So we decided to spend a little time learning about hanoks before exploring the fortress.

According to information given at Suwon Technology Exhibition hall hanoks were first designed during the Joseon Dynasty in the 14th century. The home or building is designed with the elements and the seasons in mind. This kind of planning is called baesanimsu. It brings to mind Feng Shui which would make sense given China’s influence over ancient Korea. Similar to Feng Shui, it is about the perfect harmony between the elements. It’s all about building the good energy. The houses were (and are as the tradition is still alive) different depending on in what part of Korea they were built. In the south, the layout of a house is different from ones in the north. The north is colder, so the design is square with a courtyard in the middle in order to keep the heat in (You can see an example of this style in my post from visiting a tea house in the Hanok village in Bukchon,) whereas if you travel to the south where it is warmer, the design is created to allow more airflow, so they are open and often L shaped. The most ideal elemental design is to have a mountain in the back and a river in the front, which is really close to my dream home of a mountain in the back and an ocean in the front; Pacific Northwest style. The hanok that we visited, before exploring the fortress, was a modern hanok built as a museum to educate people on the history and craftsmanship of these homes.

We wandered around this hanok, picking up literature on the history, and took photos of the onggi pots, where kimchee is traditionally fermented, then afterwards we walked toward the wall of the fortress.

It was meant to be the new capital when the fortress was built over 200 years ago. Long before Seoul was officially called Seoul it was Hanyang or Hanseong. King Jeongjo the 22nd king of the Joseon dynasty wanted to move the capital from Hanyang to Suwon. The reason being that the proximity to the Yellow Sea and China was better for commerce, and the King believed he could make changes to better the Dynasty, and moving to Suwon was a step in this direction of his reforms.

The Hwaseong Fortress was not only the beginning of a new capital, but it was a military complex and a burial place for his father Prince Sado. It was built between 1794 and 1796 (when John Adams became the 2nd U.S. president) by King Jeongjo of the Joseon Dynasty to remember his father who was executed by his grandfather, King Yeongjo. If you’re interested in more information on the history of this execution by rice, you can search Prince Sado and begin the descent into the rabbit hole of Joseon history. There are also many Korean dramas that tell the story like The Throne and The Secret Door.

The location of the fortress although a strategic choice also fulfills the baesanimsu with a mountain in the back and a river in the front.  It has been designated as a UNESCO world heritage site because according to UNESCO, “It is an outstanding example of early modern military architecture.” It’s pretty fun to think of how many UNESCO sites Eun and I have visited here in South Korea.

It has many defensive features and was almost impenetrable except for the part facing the river. Due to this possible exposure to enemies the King had watergates with iron bars built along the parts of the wall that cross the river. What you can see today are canons, and towers with windows where soldiers could shoot arrows, along with beacon towers that would have been lit to warn about a coming enemy.

It took three years to build Hwaseong, and was built with the latest technology of the times, and it incorporated eastern and western architectural design elements. Two other aspects that make it unique and a part of UNESCO’s heritage list is its military and commercial functions along with it being built over mountains and a river. It influenced Korean architecture for years to come.  It never did become the new capital though, because soon after it was completed the King died.  If you are interested in architecture, in particular military architecture, I recommend starting with this wikipedia page and continuing on from there. The page gives a lot of detail on all parts of the fortress. It was built to withstand war and invaders, but of course King Jeongjo and those who designed it had no idea of the violence, weaponry, and destruction that would come from the 20th century wars.

The view along the walk toward the NE side of the fortress.
Hwahongmun the Northern Floodgate

A Devastating History

During the Korean War up to 60% of the fortress had been damaged. It was reconstructed in the 1970’s using the “Records of Hwaseong Fortress Construction” that were written in 1801 not long after the king had died. It is not visible to the untrained eye as to what parts had been rebuilt and which are authentic. Having learned about this destruction while visiting the Hwaseong Fortress, reminded me of visiting parts of Germany and Poland. Cities like Nuremberg and Warsaw, that were 85% to 95% destroyed yet recreated to such historical accuracy that one would never know that bombs had been dropped on the streets where you stood. Suwon, like Seoul had been taken by the North Korean army very early into the war. What many people outside of Korea don’t know is that 5 million people lost their lives, more than half of whom were civilians. Much of the fighting was around Suwon which is only 45 kilometers away from the capital where the first invasion took place. Yet, today, walking the battlements of this ancient wall that was built over 200 years ago, and is still standing after multiple Japanese invasions; destruction during Japanese colonization; attacks during WWII; and then lastly the Korean War, if you didn’t know the history, you would never know what had happened here. You cannot tell that these walls had ever fallen nor that in 2006 an arsonist tried to burn one of the towers down.

I know that we didn’t walk the nearly 4 miles around the fortress, but we spent about four hours out there that day. I did much of my research after the visit which is too bad since knowing a history of a place while visiting makes it all the more interesting. We started our exploration at Janganmun Gate which is the north gate of the city. Unfortunately, the air was not that good on the day we visited. The pollution levels were a bit high and the photos have that reflective glare that one gets when the sunlight is filtered through smog.

Yongyeon pond and Dongbukgakru command post.

At the time of our visit Janganmun Gate was under some reconstruction, so we were not able to see the interior of the gate, but we were able to go inside the pavillon on the top of the gate where the gaurds would have rested in between sentry duty. From the north gate we headed toward the east.

Yeonmudae also named Dongjangdae. This is the eastern command post.

We walked half-way around the wall, mainly sticking to the wall itself and not going into the interior parts of the city. We will have to make another trip out to explore more extensively; especially now, knowing more about the fortress and its history.

Yeonmudae stone steps
Posing in front of Yeonmudae
East gate of Dongjangdae the command post.
Flags at Changnyongmun the east gate.

We made it a little past the east gate also called Changnyongmun, (also called Dongmun) before we started to get hungry and also before it got too dark. Our visit to the fortress was in the late fall and night began early. On the way we passed an archery field called Dongbuknodae where soldiers were intended to practice their archery. Today, for 2,000 won (about $1.75) you can try to shoot an arrow and step into the ghostly shoes of Joseon soldiers.

We reached the east gate and wandered along this portion of the wall and explored towers and crossbow platforms. We rested in a pavilion called Dongilporu, and watched the sun set behind the mountain.

Changnyongmun Gate, also known as Dongmun, is the eastern gate of Hwaseong.

As soon as the sun dropped out of view the air quickly dipped from comfortable to chilly, and we decided to end our exploration due to the chill, the dark, and we were both hungry. We headed back toward the North gate and cut away from the wall. We were not certain as to which side of the wall were were on at one point, but we allowed our noses to guide us toward food. What we could smell was fried chicken. Which made sense since Suwon has a street called Chicken Street that is famous for fried chicken.

Bongdon signal beacons

By way of back roads we walked past dilapidated homes and empty lots. We wandered through small markets and then found our way back toward the wall. Using GPS we found our way to Chicken Street which was also part of this trip’s visit. I wrote a post on chicken street here.

We saw less than half of the fortress. If you want to see everything in a day you’ll need to come early as there is much to see. Along with the many features on the wall itself there are also the places within the walled city, including the tomb of Prince Sado, the palaces, and the shrines. It is our intention to return, and of course if you make your way out to the Fortress you must also visit Chicken Street for some excellent fried chicken.

Sunset in Suwon

If you are looking for day trips to take outside of Seoul this is a good one. Depending on where you are staying it is 45 minutes to an hour subway/bus ride outside of Seoul. Seoul is a fun city to visit and travel to, but if you make it as far as South Korea, it is in your best interest to see what is also offered outside of Seoul.

Till next time.

Accidental Vagabond

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Back in the U.S. of A

A view of the Sawtooth Mountain range, and a green and golden valley in Idaho taken from the highway
A view of the Sawtooth Mountain range in Idaho

We left South Korea in July, and I have been struggling with what it is that I want to do here. I don’t mean in the U.S., but here on this page, on this post. On future posts. The future of this hit or miss blog.

Is it still travel if you are in your home country? Considering the size of the U.S. I would say yes, but to be honest it was never much of a travel blog. This is more a blog of reflections on travels of the past.

There are so many things I have wanted to tell about the places I have visited, but then days pass, and turn to months then years. Life changes, I age, friends age, wars begin, fires rage, waters dry up, rivers flood, plagues ravage, and places once visited are no longer the same or no longer open.

How do I write in a world that is instant? I have tried to be instant, and I just can’t keep up with the pace. Even my instagram photos are months out of date, and “instant” is in the name. I know, I am behind. I have always been behind, and as the world turns faster and more aggressively, I see myself falling further and further away, like the image of a person standing on the road as seen from the reflection of the sideview mirror visible until swallowed by the horizon. There is nothing I can do to slow things down or to catch up. Isn’t that life, though? Isn’t that aging?

However, I can wander back into the past here on the page and slow things down to the point of freezing. This is possible, yet, I’m not sure how I want to do it.

I once had a writing instructor tell me that it is a writers job to solve a problem of writing. My problem is my voice and my presentation. I can’t write about travels as if they are in the present or as an advertisement of place one should visit. So, what are they, stories?

They must be stories. Yet, how do I present them? In chronological order? In the order of place? In a historical context? How much research is needed? This is the conundrum. In a world full of conundrums mine is rather mild, but mine all the same. My writer’s conundrum.

I left the United States in 2013, and I returned in September of 2015 for about 9 months as I waited for my visa, and then I left again in June of 2016. All totaled up, I was living outside of the U.S. for nearly 10 years. I spent my entire 40’s overseas. Aside from the 9 months. I didn’t intend to be away for so long, but being that I am an Accidental Vagabond, I suppose it’s fitting.

I returned to the U.S. in July of 2023 (which as of writing this post, was 4 months ago). It has been a whirlwind. My partner, Eun, and I flew into Seattle, with our dog Penny, where we stayed for a few days, then we drove with a friend to Port Angeles in Washington, to visit my aunt. We then drove to Portland, Oregon, where we stayed for a few weeks, and we bought a car. Then we drove down the Oregon coast to California, and then southeast toward San Ramon, California to see my father. Afterward, we drove north again, back towards Oregon to visit a friend of Eun’s in La Pine. The next leg of the trip took us to Eastern Oregon to pay respects to my friend Sue Vanschoonhoven, who passed away in 2008. We stayed in Cove a lovely tiny town in the Blue Mountains. Leaving Cove we headed east toward Idaho, and trip continued on from Idaho to Wyoming, Montana, South Dakota, Iowa, Illinois, Ohio, New York and southern Maine. Once in Maine we headed to a region called Downeast Maine, and that is where we have settled, for now.

We are here until June or July. After that… well, hopefully we’ll know soon, but until those summer days arrive, I will be here east of Stephen King and joing him in this little thing we call writing.

Expect reflections on travels of the past and life in rural Maine. Write ya’ll soon.

Writing For Online Travel Mags

October

Back in October, around the time that I wrote my last post on here, I applied for a freelance writing gig with an online travel/tourism magazine Korea By Me. I sent in an example post of something that I had been writing for my personal blog. They liked it and I got the gig.

Link to article on Korea By Me
My first published article about Korean poet Jeong Ho-Seung and four of his books of poetry. Photo from Korea By Me website

Writing For Others

Link to Korea By Me article

Between working part-time at a kindergarten, and commuting back and forth across the Han River to go to tutoring gigs, I’ve been trying to spend all my free-time (not home time, but free-time) writing articles for the website. It’s not much of a mystery to figure out that I don’t want to be a teacher. One huge sign is that I never write about teaching on this blog. It has become a job that barely pays the bills and allows me to stay in Korea with Eun. I like the kids. They are cute, but it’s exhausting with very little monetary reward, and oddly, or maybe not oddly, the pay never increases. I’ve been teaching for 8 years, but my pay has either stayed the same or gone down. Anyway, not important.

I’m tired, my body hurts, I’m burnt out, and we barely have any money. We realized after our dog got sick, and we had to pay thousands of dollars to save her life, that we were living paycheck to paycheck; not much different from the U.S.. The big difference of course is that my options are limited due to lack of language and citizenship. So, of course once this opportunity opened up I wanted to go all in. Unfortunately, it isn’t enough money to allow me to only focus on writing, but I’m hoping that it is a small stepping stone toward something bigger.

I had at one time, maybe 14 years ago when I first started this blog, that I would be turning this blog, and the others I have, into some “Writing Empire”. I see plenty of success stories. However, I’m inconsistent. That’s all I really need to write. Inconsistent. Inconsistent in the content, in the posting, in the research to keep on top of the latest technology, and in my physical energy to write. My excuses were/are that I’m never be able to find the time and feel too tired. I would sit at the computer to write, and then suddenly feel overwhelmed with an exhaustion so heavy that I could not lift my fingers. My eyes got tired. I swear I felt like I could barely breath. I had thought something was physically wrong with me.

In truth, there is something wrong with me. I’ve been going to doctors, but so far there is no clear answer. I have constant pain throughout my entire body. It’s been going on for some years now. Chronic pain is of course exhausting, so I figured that the two just went together. Feeling constant pain equals too tired to write. Yet, as I sit here writing now, it has dawned on me that my exhaustion from the effort to write is far more psychological than physical.

The physical is there, but when I write articles for Korea By Me, I don’t actually feel my pain. It’s there, but no where near intense as it can be. My mind becomes distracted from the pain. If this is the case then why wasn’t I writing all the time? Because it was my blog. My unpaid, unvalued blog. I have put in many hours to Korea By Me, and gladly. I made a submission tracker. I write down all my ideas; the day I started an article; what’s in progress; what’s submitted. I take it seriously. Since I got the gig on November 11th, I have written and submitted eight articles, and have had four of them published. Five of the articles involved some research and reading since five of them were book reviews. In a little over a month, I completed eight articles, even though I’m working a part-time job, and have four separate tutoring jobs that meet twice a week each. I am commuting at least three to four hours a day back and forth plus I have my home chores like cooking and cleaning.

Yet, I write a post for this blog, once every three months, maybe. I now know that I do have energy, and I can make energy even while busy, and feeling pain, but only when I do it for other people. I don’t value myself as a writer. It’s abundantly clear to me that if I am doing something for me, for my personal joy or gain, if it doesn’t have a paycheck its worthless. I physically respond to this so much that I sabotage my work by getting exhausted. That’s pretty sad. And, pretty amazing what our brains in states of low self-worth can do to our body. At least it is finally clear to me.

What Now

I’ve had some good feedback with Korea By Me. Getting published feels a bit like a drug hit. I feel an actual surge of adrenaline. I like to go to the site and see my writings on the page. I know my work isn’t perfect. When I read it, I can see mistakes I’ve made; things that myself and the editor missed. I’d like to be better. I want to work on it. Yet, the content is good.

In November I was chosen as having the best article of the month. I felt really good about that. It is self inspiring. I’d like to leave the teaching jobs. My current contract is up in March. It would be so nice if I could find something writing wise that would supplement that income. It would be nice if I put as much effort into my own blog and really did build my “Writing Empire” instead of not giving myself the value I deserve. These are what I’m working on now.

The winning article about Korean photographer Atta Kim Photo from Korea By Me website

Although my blog is focused on travel, what I write for Korea By Me wont be the same articles obviously, so if you’re interested in reading my stuff at Korea By Me please check it out. If you are planning on visiting South Korea it is a great source of information and stories on Korea. My focus here is to build up my literary travel writing style. I’m not giving up. I’m tenacious.

Best Article, Photo from Korea By Me

A Long Pause and A New Return

Prague’s Vltava River, 2015

A friend of mine had asked to interview me for her podcast. I was truly surprised. Why would anyone want to interview me? I haven’t done anything that anyone would want to listen to. Even so, I agreed, because I felt so honored to be asked. During the interview she asked me about where I was currently living (South Korea), and where was it that we had met (Prague); and what brought me to Prague (the death of my mother); and what sparked me to travel (an old high school nemesis and a best friend); all the jobs I’ve had in my life (too many to mention in that podcast); was I in love (yes, happily so); and how do I deal with grief (not very well).

If you want to hear the podcast click here A Colorful Life to listen to my interview and the interviews of other travelers who all intersect in one way or another through my friend, Keiko, the creator of the podcast.

I had a lot of fun doing the interview, but soon after we had finished and said good-bye, I began to feel nervous about it. I worried that I had sounded like an idiot. Who was I to talk about travel? There are so many more people out there who are professional travelers and who can offer advice, wisdom, and know how about traveling, and how to live a full and lush life. My insecurity came rushing in and swallowed me up like Carrie from De Palma’s Carrie when she wanted to go to the prom. “They’re all gonna laugh at you!” I hear Piper Laurie’s voice often in my head whenever I want to do anything artistic and put it out there.

Once my friend texted me that the interview had been uploaded to her podcast, I felt my nervousness rise. I couldn’t share it with my friends until I heard it. I had to judge for myself. Did I sound like an idiot, or pretentious? Was I obnoxious? My worst critic, me, was ready to tear me up. But, it was okay. It was okay. Someone out there will hate it. Some troll will write something terrible in a comment to her about me, yes, that could happen, but it’s okay, because my internal critic who can be so mean was okay with it. In Keiko’s introduction she said the kindest things about me. She called me an inspiration, and said that although I had talked about how much I had wanted to be an artists my whole life, that even though it did not manifest as I had imagined it would, I was an artist. I had made my life the canvas. I thought that was so kind and sweet, and a generous thing to say. I don’t if it’s true, but it is true for her. It is her perspective of me and my life, and I have never lied about my life. I don’t lie because what’s the need to lie? I only have my friends and they know the truths, so I’d be lying to them, and they’d call me out.

I’m in the midst of change. My fiancé and I have decided that this will be our last year in South Korea. I just finished a teaching contract and I am in between jobs. I’m burnt out on teaching and want to do something else. But what? I’ve been teaching in one form or another for over 10 years. Yet, with all those years under my belt I only have a TEFL and working experience, but it wouldn’t be enough to teach in the states. I’d need a teaching certificate or a masters, and that requires more time and money for a job I no longer enjoy. I’ve been feeling useless and worthless. My partner loves me, my friends love me, but I feel that this world, that the societies we live in have no use for someone like me. So, I was feeling low. Then my friend asked to interview me for her podcast. She said, I had inspired her not to give up when she was trying to make a move to South Korea. Other people have told me I inspired them. Inspired them to follow acting, inspired to become a writer, inspired to travel, inspired to create a new business. I’ve inspired people, and yet, I’ve never seen it in myself. So, I thought, maybe I should turn some of that inspiration inside out and shine that golden light on myself for a bit. I said, I wanted to be an artist. I said, I wanted to write. So write. Here’s a platform. I have some content. I haven’t been on the sight for some time, and I was never very good at updating, and I never knew how to gain an audience. I never bothered to learn. I was too nervous for people to see what I wrote because like the podcast I thought; what if I sound like an idiot? What if they hate me and say terrible things? What if they call me out for the fraud I am? Public humiliation and shame. The worst. Yet, is it the worst? I can think of worse things. Still, my fragile little ego is, was, and maybe will still be, frightened.

Maybe it’s time. Maybe it’s time for me to really try. To get this out there. To clean up all my mess of random forgotten blogs and try to make this work. Perhaps, some of what I write can inspire others to do things they’ve dreamed. I have try.

It will take time, and I have to learn somethings, but I’ll be back. I’ll get this little Accidental Vagabond on the road again. I still have some time left to learn.

Day 1: The Purging

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In Bali, three times a day offerings are left for God.

It’s been six months since I wrote my last post. Six months since I’ve posted a photo to my  Simple blog, and more than six months since I have written a poem or a short story. It’s as if I have given up on myself. It isn’t as if. It is as it is.

I do interesting things, at least it appears to be that way on the outside looking in, but I have to forcibly remind myself that my life is interesting or that it has some measure of value. Much of the time I feel disconnected from everything, like I’m a replicant just posing to be a part of the human race in hopes that I don’t get killed by Harrison Ford- although I guess if Harrison Ford or Ryan Gosling were the last people I saw on the planet it might not be so bad.  I travel quite a bit. I live in different countries. These are privileges that not a lot of people get to experience, so I understand the immaturity of complaining of feeling bad. What right do I have to feel bad when I live in a different country-by my own by choice? What right do I have to feel bad to have when I’ve just returned from a vacation in tropical wonder? What right? It isn’t a right. It is an inability to stop the feelings no matter where I go. No matter how beautiful the sunset, no matter how fun the party, no matter how exciting the adventure I can not escape the feeling that I’m fucking all of this up and doing it wrong. I didn’t connect enough, I didn’t have enough fun; I don’t look good in the photos; my photos aren’t spectacular; I feel lonely; I’m outside everything; I don’t feel it enough; I’m not adventurous enough; I’m not wise enough; intense enough; beautiful enough; young enough; never, never, enough. Who do I live for? It’s supposed it is me, but I’m not really certain.

A few years ago, I discovered that traveling doesn’t save me. I now know that no matter where in the world I am, and no matter how amazing the place is I’m also there too, and if I am not in the right head space then the place will not and does not change me. Sometimes, when I speak or tell stories to people I feel like I am lying. Like I am a fraud. I’ll walk away from a conversation and think to myself, I talk too fucking much. Why do I talk? Is that story even real? I have grown enough to have had many of self realizations, but not enough to know how to change the way I think about myself within those realizations. Meditation, yoga, self-help books, therapists, I suppose I’d try religion if it wasn’t so vulgar in its abuse of people. Still, the seeking of spirit is still there. I can’t see the progress. I’m sure there has been some, but I just can’t see it. I had a lot of dreams that I ignored for the same feelings that I have in my travels. Not enough, not good enough. I know that everything takes practice and experience, but I have the hardest time applying this well known truth to my own life. Somehow, I am outside of all of that truth. Anyone can be anything they want except for me. I’ll never improve; I’ll never be good at something; I’ll never have a successful relationship; I’ll never be worthy of the life I have been given; I’ll never live it to the fullest no matter how many hashtags of “livetothefullest” I post to my instagram. I am aware of the ridiculousness of this thinking, but training myself out of this thinking has been the most challenging thing in my life. It’s a constant battle. I’m a tired warrior fighting a never ending war.

The first time I left the U.S. I went to Europe. I was 25. I was heartbroken from a lost relationship that I thought was going to last forever (even though I didn’t always treat it as if I had believed it was forever). I thought Europe would save me. It would feed my soul and I would forget my former love. That’s how it is in the movies and the books. You never read a book about the person that goes to a new country and spends the entire time crying over their former lover leaving them. This is because no one wants to read that story. We know that feeling and we don’t like it. We want the good stuff. I didn’t get the good stuff because I couldn’t open to it. I was too busy wallowing in my self. When you can’t let go of an idea or a vision of what you thought you wanted or believed you would have, you can never be open to receive your new vision. This makes you rigid, closed, and disconnected to the magic around you. I know this because there is magic all around me that I miss every day, and I have missed for years. I see the magic in my friends. I see the magic in strangers. I’m grateful that I have the eyes to see at least that much. Europe didn’t change me the first time, or the second or the third time. At some point, perhaps it was in the 13 year break I took from traveling, I realized that I had wanted the place to change me. If I could go to a new place I could be a new person, but this never happened because places don’t change us- they effect us, but we change within ourselves. I couldn’t change the person I was to match the image or idea of the place I was in. I knew that it didn’t matter where I was in the world, that if I didn’t work on myself then I was never going to be happy or find the happiness I was searching for. Am I actually searching for happiness? I’m not even sure of that. If you don’t know what you are searching for then you most certainly will never find it.

Now, when I go to a new place, I don’t expect it to change me. I know it will effect me, but change me…no… I must find the way to do that within me, and that can happen anywhere even at home. Although, China changed me, but it was more likely my mother dying while I was in China that truly changed me. Well, not changed, but set the wheels in motion. Three year’s later and I’m still dealing with her death. Last night, after returning from a trip in Bali, I was overwhelmed with how lonely I felt in Korea. I looked at the room I was in. The closed walls, the tight space, the towering high-rises, the silence in the elevators, the lack of eye contact, the hours sometimes days without communicating to a person in person. I compared this to the open space of the place I had stayed in while in Bali. Every morning I had the staff to speak with, and how friendly they were, how easy it was to speak with people, how Balinese people would always say hi when you walk past on the street; the noises, the daily offerings of banana baskets of flowers on the ground and on the doorsteps. The openness of everything. My space had been huge, the sky had been huge, and suddenly, I felt all the smallness of my room in Korea. I was struck with an overwhelming loss. I had missed my mother. I missed being tied to someone, to belonging to someone. I think my friends would ask me why I don’t leave Korea if I feel so lonely there, and I suppose I would give the same answer as I had in China. I just want to see it through. Now, as I am about to begin a graduate program in TESOL, I will possibly have to stay even longer in this lonely yet intriguing country. I know when I leave it is unlikely I will ever return to Korea. I did say the same thing about China, and now I would like to go back to visit, but Korea, doesnt have the same effect. I have no animosity toward the country, but it is a place for the young. Korea doesn’t want us aging people, it doesn’t even want it’s own aging people-unless they are rich. Maybe there is a bitterness in this from me, not being able to stop the process of my aging, and Korea here to remind me of it. I’ve always struggled with loneliness and now I am on my way to invisible. I’m not afraid of it. I am painfully uncomfortable with it. The pathway to acceptance is a painful one. It’s less traveled because it is unpleasant. There is also no promise that you will feel better once you’ve reached the end of that road. I think only death brings that peace, if you can not find the peace within yourself while you are alive. I believe this peace is possible, but I don’t believe it’s possible for me. That’s my demon. What is all this about? What is this self-flagellating about? It is my purging. The beginning of a new task. I new process that I have added to my lists of processes to teach my self to enjoy the process.

There have been some times when people told me that I was talented, but I never allowed myself to believe them. Which is insulting to the person praising because you discredit their point of view by not taking the compliment, but most of us are selfish in our thinking, and we don’t see the gift that people are giving us. We wait for the insults because for some reason those are more believable. I’ve forgotten my praises, except one, and I imagine I remembered it because for years I thought of it as an insult. Once a teacher described me as tenacious. When I first heard this it made my heart drop. It was during a certificate ceremony when myself and others were receiving our degrees from a writing program. This same teacher had previously praised all the other students with words about their work, and their talents, and how people should look for their work in the future. When it was my turn he said nothing of my talent and nothing of my work, only that I was tenacious. I felt dejected by this statement. It yet again reinforced my belief that I was talentless, and that I was not enough. I also felt like it wasn’t accurate. If I was so tenacious then why did I quit acting? Why did I quit writing? Why didn’t I pursue the other arts I desired like dancing, or art or photography? I gave up every dream- how is that tenacious? Yet, as I look back on his comment, I know that it is the truest thing said about me. I am tenacious, even though I don’t always face my life in full awareness, I don’t give up. The fact that I am alive is a sign of my tenacity. I have stood at the edge of a window frame on the 13 floor, at the edge of a busy street, and the lip of a bridge, and just wondered if I could just let go and end this life. Those are not even my darkest moments, and yet, I hold on. Even after the death of my mother the most important person in my life, I still hold on. Even when I don’t know why or what I am holding onto I hold on. As if I am digging my soul out of the earth I grasp to improve my being and to grow. I search, and I finally know what I search for. I search for my freedom and my joy.

There were times when I was younger and I felt I had something to offer; when I could feel passion in my veins, when I felt like my inner self was bigger than my outer self and I longed for a bigger body that could fit my soul. My skin felt tight around my inner being. I want this feeling to return. I make these tiny painful steps toward rebuilding my inner life. It feels like rehabilitation from an accident I don’t remember. I need the physical therapy, but I don’t know why I need it. I started listening to podcast about change, reading books about change, motivating my inner thoughts to be aware of my choices about holding on to or letting go of my feelings. I started focusing on my habits and trying to change my life through changing my habits, like the habit of not liking any choice I make. This is habitual. It is habitual to think I’m not enough. Here is the point of this purge: I give myself 30 day challenges. 30 days of meditation every morning. 30 days of yoga. 30 days of not buying coffee. 30 days of waking up at 6:00 a.m. It can be anything. Behind every 30 day is the motivation and the intention to better myself by facing my habits and changing them. My measure of success is completing the 30 days. An even greater measure of success is turning that challenge into a habit. 30 days of letting shit go (this is a tough one). This here is 30 days of writing.

Day one is this confessional. I have four blogs. Poetry, photography, short stories, and this one. It doesn’t matter where I post or how much I write as long as I do it every day. What’s the intention the motivation? To be a good writer? To be prolific? To be seen? No. The intention is to make this writing a habit. A real habit. That my day doesn’t feel complete if I don’t write. To feel cleansed after writing. This is my intention. I don’t know if I will ever feel like I am enough or feel connected to this earth and the people in it, but maybe one day I will. My only legacy will be what I place down in a public place. It may not be much of a legacy, but because I am a human being in this world reaching out to grasp something, the same as all the billions of other human beings on this planet, I feel a need for a legacy. A small legacy and fantasy legacy, but a legacy all the same. To me that is writing.

With all of the self induced suffering and suffering caused from living in the world, and the apathy that leads to wanting to give up on this life, I still want to live an extraordinary life. I want to be amazing. I want to be amazing to me. I want to receive the magic, and if it takes me a life time to get there I will still try. There are times in my life when I can feel it. The beauty the enormous beauty of it all. I don’t know what gave me the gift in that moment to see life, but I’m so incredibly grateful to have received it. I want more of it. And I know it is there even if I don’t always believe it is meant for me. Life is fleeting. I’ll ride this suffering like a dragon into a storm. I don’t know if the storms will pass, but I’ll ride to the edge of the world, and if you want to grab my tail, you are welcome to do so. Purged.

Day one.